I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
