How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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