i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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