I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
We're too hungover to prance.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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