I can text with my tongue
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
