Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
