Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
