I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
