Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
My balls are so social today.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
