Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
this just has baby written all over it
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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