Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
