Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
