she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
