Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
