I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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