I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
