I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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