Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
