there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
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