Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
