After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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