When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
