apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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