i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
It's blow job season.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
