I should be sponsored by Trojan
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
