I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
