Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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