dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I could make wine with my vomit
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
