In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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