i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
