I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
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