Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
