no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
