I wish life had little blips of pornography
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
