Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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