How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
