I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Randomize
