How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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