Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
