Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
