the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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