Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
