no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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