It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
