Will you blow on my dice?
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
