this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
