I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
