So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
