the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
