It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Floor bacon is actually really good
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
