I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
