I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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