The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
